I’m so bad at forcing myself to update my blog regularly. I’ve been meaning to post an update for like the last week or so. A couple of days ago, I turned on my laptop, opened up my wordpress page and just stared at it. Obviously I didn’t post an update. So I turned off my laptop. And felt disappointed in myself. Duh.
It’s been pretty crazy lately. It’s been worse. It’s been better. It’s been more stagnant.
During the end of January, my cousin passed away, suddenly. I was going to say “unexpectedly” but he was an addict. I wasn’t super upset over his death, personally. I did feel terrible for his father (my uncle)…especially because my uncle had just celebrated his birthday the day before. My cousin’s death impacted because of how much it impacted those who were closer to him. And because, well, death, itself does something to me. It reminds me of my own mortality. And I hate that. No matter how many times I have and will wish that I wouldn’t wake up.
Last week, I saw my doctor and finally have increased my Wellbutrin. Well, I guess I haven’t technically increased it yet. I was taking 75 mg (immediate release) twice a day. Today, instead of taking the 75 mg tablets, I switched over to the 150 mg (sustained release) tablet. So I will be taking 150 mgs for a few days, once a day. Then I will be taking 150 mgs twice day after that.
I took the 150 mg (SR) tablet around 5 o’clock this evening. I had a little bit of dizziness, some ringing in the ears. So I decided to throw on my headphones to see if I could drown out the ringing. At first, it didn’t help. But now it’s better. I feel a little bit of the same feeling in my stomach as when I first started taking the 75 mg tablets. It’s just like a small feeling of agitation. When I started the 75 mg dose, I only had side effects for 2-3 days. The same thing when I started taking the second daily dose of 75 mgs. Side effects were gone within 2-3 days. Which is a huge relief for me. I hate medication because of side effects. For example, I tried Abilify, in my early 20’s, and the first night I took it, I threw up. So I tried taking it a second night. Threw up again. I know I’m a little crazy, but I truly believe that is a sign from my body saying “this isn’t for you.”
Alright, let’s see. What else has happened? I’m trying to get my academic life together, once again. The goal is to start classes in May. I’ll need everything to fall into place perfectly in order for this to happen. There are a couple of things that are beyond my control though, such as paper work being faxed to the school from the Department of Education.
I’m very scared that things won’t work out, which means I’d have to wait until the fall to start my classes. And I’m scared because even if it DOES work out, and I get to start classes in May, I have no fucking idea what I want to do after I complete my last 14 credits and graduate with my BS in Human Services. I know I want to continue on to get my Masters. But in what? I absolutely do not to want to do the school work required for a Masters in social work. I thought I knew what I wanted to be “when I grew up”…but I was so wrong. I thought, from the age of about 13, I wanted to help people. But maybe I don’t. Maybe I don’t want to help people the way I thought I wanted to back then. Even though I haven’t been necessarily depressed lately, I’m still somewhat hopeless, especially when it comes to the human race. Hopeless, pessimistic, cynical. I’ve always been cynical. Ugh.
I just hate that I feel like I need to figure EVERYTHING out. I need to understand. I need to make the right decisions. I need to KNOW. But it’s part of being human, I suppose. The sooner that I realize I’m not meant to know everything that lies ahead, the sooner I’ll probably stop going crazy in my head. Ugh. Again.
Well, at this point, I feel completely fine I think. The agitation is pretty much gone. Definitely no more ringing in my ears. Woohoo!
So I guess I’ll end this. See, this is why I need to post more frequently…so I don’t end up with ridiculously long posts. This is also me saying I need to stop keeping things in until it’s too overwhelming to get them all out.
I’ve been in a weird place, mentally, lately. I should be blogging more about everything on my mind…but as usual, I feel like sometimes it’s just easier to keep it all in. My thoughts get confusing (even more so) when I try to express them.
I started taking Wellbutrin on October 29th. I can’t tell if it’s working. I can’t tell if it’s helping me cope or if I just don’t feel too awful yet because it’s early in the season. The one thing I know for sure is I still have the same thoughts. Thoughts that aren’t necessarily depressing, but they’re there nonetheless. Thoughts that make me feel like I’m crazy.
Okay, so I’m certainly not saying I’m psychic, but I have had thoughts of things happening, possible things. Random thoughts that come to my mind. And then they’re gone. I’ve never documented any of these kinds of thoughts because I even think they’re a little crazy sometimes.
The freshest example I can give is this:
On October 24th, I received a Facebook message, followed by a phone call. I was informed that a good friend of mine, my fiance’s best friend, had killed herself earlier that day. I couldn’t believe it. No one could. I was a complete mess. For so many reasons.
I understand that people kill themselves because they’re in pain, or numb, they believe everyone will go on with their lives, the way everyone always does eventually after someone dies. Their pain is greater than what everyone else will feel when they’re gone. They feel hopeless, or like they’ve tried everything. And this rush of thoughts hit hard when they come, and they seem to last a lifetime, even if they only last for 30 minutes. Imagine how long it must feel having these thoughts for months. I’ve been there. I’ve just never seriously decided to follow through with suicide. So our friend’s death made me look at myself.
I couldn’t stop asking myself,”what if?” I couldn’t stop asking “why?” HOW COULD NO ONE HAVE KNOWN ANYTHING LIKE THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? What did we all miss? I couldn’t, and still can’t, believe I have considered putting my loved ones through what I was feeling as a result of a friend’s suicide.
When I received the news, I lost my shit for a good 20 minutes. I was sad, in disbelief, angry, and felt guilty. After I got off the phone, I sat and thought to myself…I had the random thought pop into my head about six months before this event,”I wonder if she would commit suicide?” HER; specifically. I knew absolutely it was NOT deja vu. Because when the feeling came across me, I knew I was sitting on the opposite side of the room when I had the thought of “would she ever commit suicide?” I’ve never experienced deja vu and felt like the same thing was said/done in a different place. That’s not exactly how deja vu even works; I’ve always been under the impression that when you experience deja vu, you get the feeling that the EXACT same thing was said or done in the EXACT place it “happened”.
Like I said, I’m certainly not saying I’m psychic…I haven’t lost my mind that much (yet). But, I’ve read and seen things that say that people who seem to be able to “predict” events are simply just more intuitive and observant. So I don’t know if that’s what happened in this situation. I know I’m not crazy.
So, after all this, I’m feeling like I should start documenting more of my thoughts. Do I think that documenting my “crazy” thoughts will prevent them from happening? Not really. But at least if I have proof that I had the idea that something would happen, and it happens, I can tell myself,”You knew this was going to happen.”
That being said, let’s begin with a thought I’ve had lately. I have this feeling that either a friend of mine (one specifically) or my younger sister will be killed by their partner. Why would I have this feeling? I can’t explain it. Of course I never wanted this thought to pop into my head…but it did. So here, it’s documented. I can only hope that I will live the rest of my life and never have to refer to this entry as proof that I knew it would happen.
As for thoughts/feelings about myself, I’ve seen myself (in my mind) get into a major car accident. I don’t believe it’ll kill me, but I think I’ll have somewhat significant injuries. I feel like the car will end up on it’s side or on it’s roof. I mostly see it happening on the highway. And no, I’m not having these thoughts because I drive recklessly; I don’t drive recklessly. I can’t tell what kind of car I’m driving in these thoughts.
Now, don’t think I haven’t thought that depression/anxiety play a role in these kinds of thoughts. Like I said, I’m not crazy. I’m not delusional. I’m not paranoid. I’ve mostly been able to tell the difference between something someone (I) would be typically (reasonably) anxious/depressed about and things that make absolutely NO sense to be anxious/depressed about.
I think this is all I’ve got for tonight. I can’t believe I got all that out. Hopefully I can keep it up. I’d also like to start documenting dreams that I have…because they’re interesting and I like dissecting them psychologically 🙂 who doesn’t?
Here I am again. I’ve been telling myself for weeks that I would start blogging again. I’ve been telling my therapist the same thing for even longer. I know it would help me to get stuff out. I can’t continue keeping everything in, it has been destroying me.
So where to begin? Is there ever really a proper place to start? Probably not. Let’s just dive right in.
I have learned what it feels like live your life on autopilot, going through the rat race. I have continuously avoided things that make me feel anything. I don’t talk about, watch, listen to anything that gives me feels. That’s so sad to me. I love emotion. I love having emotions…even when they’re not positive. I feel alive when I cry, when I laugh, when I’m angry. I’ve been mostly trying to laugh a lot. It’s the little things that make me laugh. Simple things. Silly things. It’s a good distraction from my thoughts.
My thoughts. I still don’t even want to manifest them into words that can be heard or read. Living in a society where everyone gets offended by something is SO ANNOYING. Living in a society where no one can accept responsibility for anything is also SO ANNOYING. This year has been a huge year for learning. Learning about myself, friends, and just people in general. I thought I completely understood people! I was so wrong. I mean, I’ve always understood them, but I feel like I’ve peeled back another layer this year. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from all my friends…not like there was many to begin with lol. But I decided that I wanted/needed to focus on myself and couldn’t deal with anyone else’s personal issues. It was too draining.
I made this decision because I felt like I had to. I had to because I had no one to vent to. One of my best friends that I always confided in, couldn’t seem to be bothered with any of my issues. She was with this pretty cool guy and they ended up breaking up and she was very hurt, I was there for her, but then they ended up getting back together and she was happy and feeling great. However, before and when she and her boyfriend had broken up, I had been on top of the world for months; I was happy, with myself, my relationship with my fiance, my life. I was able to put my happiness aside and be there for her emotionally. That’s what friends do. I didn’t look at her as a Debbie Downer. I understood what she needed and was glad to help her. Because we’d always been there for each other, for years, no matter what. But this past winter was different.
As usual, I started getting depressed. Gotta love it when the body is deprived of warmth and sunshine! Anyone who knows me, especially her, knows that I get depressed in the winter. I struggle with almost crippling depression every single winter. And a lot of it feels like it’s out of my control. I felt like my friend didn’t truly ask me how I was doing. It almost seemed like she’d ask me how I was doing in a rhetorical way, simply as a way to have the opening to tell me about how she’s mad at her boyfriend for something. I didn’t feel like she could be bothered with me talking about how I wanted to die. I feel like her life at that moment, was all about her. Since I felt like this, I didn’t bother reaching out to her anymore. Why bother? I don’t want to bring anyone down when they don’t want to be brought down. I feel stupid for expecting it. We have barely talked. I’ve only seen her a few times in a long time.
So now, since it’s coming to that time of year, my friend is starting to get depressed. I already feel acclimated to the winter blues because I’ve had my toe dipped in basic depression for months now. I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about her. But do I really feel like reaching out to her? And explaining why I have mostly stopped talking to her? Not really. She knew I wasn’t doing well last winter, but couldn’t be bothered. So am I expected to make myself available to her now that she’s getting depressed? Deep inside, I know what the right thing is to do. Because I care. But my self-preservation instincts tell me to keep my distance because I’m hurt.
I’ve had this conversation with people. My therapist, my fiance, even her boyfriend. But I cannot yet bring myself to talk to her about it. She should know. She’s a very intuitive and smart girl. Why do I have to be the asshole that calls her out how she was a shitty friend to me last winter? And especially now, while she’s depressed? I enjoy being able to be honest with people. But I don’t like it when people can’t just own their shit. I don’t even need an apology! I just want people to own their shit. Accept responsibility for their actions/words/behaviors/whatever. These feelings go beyond the issue between my friend and I.
Last night, my fiance and I went to her and her boyfriend’s house so we could all hang out. We hung out around the fire but after a while of my fiance, her boyfriend and myself talking, she got up and went inside. Naturally we were trying to figure out exactly what her problem was. We talked about how her and her boyfriend really need to find a way to communicate better. That was the main focus of the conversation. No one said ONE bad thing about her, we all said we love her. But apparently she must’ve been listening at some point because she posted something saying “when people talk about you when you’re 20 feet away.” Again, our conversation was based on nothing but concern. Concern for her, her boyfriend, their relationship. So I’m basically sitting here like, okay, real mature to post anything on social media instead of coming to the people you have an issue with. I’m obviously not feeding into it. I definitely don’t have the energy for that. If she wants to text me or call me, I will gladly tell her everything that was said during our conversation. Because none of it was bad. But at the end of the day, it’s whatever!
I should go for now. I’m starting to get a headache. Maybe I’ll be inspired to write more later.