Here I am again. I’ve been telling myself for weeks that I would start blogging again. I’ve been telling my therapist the same thing for even longer. I know it would help me to get stuff out. I can’t continue keeping everything in, it has been destroying me.
So where to begin? Is there ever really a proper place to start? Probably not. Let’s just dive right in.
I have learned what it feels like live your life on autopilot, going through the rat race. I have continuously avoided things that make me feel anything. I don’t talk about, watch, listen to anything that gives me feels. That’s so sad to me. I love emotion. I love having emotions…even when they’re not positive. I feel alive when I cry, when I laugh, when I’m angry. I’ve been mostly trying to laugh a lot. It’s the little things that make me laugh. Simple things. Silly things. It’s a good distraction from my thoughts.
My thoughts. I still don’t even want to manifest them into words that can be heard or read. Living in a society where everyone gets offended by something is SO ANNOYING. Living in a society where no one can accept responsibility for anything is also SO ANNOYING. This year has been a huge year for learning. Learning about myself, friends, and just people in general. I thought I completely understood people! I was so wrong. I mean, I’ve always understood them, but I feel like I’ve peeled back another layer this year. I’ve pretty much ostracized myself from all my friends…not like there was many to begin with lol. But I decided that I wanted/needed to focus on myself and couldn’t deal with anyone else’s personal issues. It was too draining.
I made this decision because I felt like I had to. I had to because I had no one to vent to. One of my best friends that I always confided in, couldn’t seem to be bothered with any of my issues. She was with this pretty cool guy and they ended up breaking up and she was very hurt, I was there for her, but then they ended up getting back together and she was happy and feeling great. However, before and when she and her boyfriend had broken up, I had been on top of the world for months; I was happy, with myself, my relationship with my fiance, my life. I was able to put my happiness aside and be there for her emotionally. That’s what friends do. I didn’t look at her as a Debbie Downer. I understood what she needed and was glad to help her. Because we’d always been there for each other, for years, no matter what. But this past winter was different.
As usual, I started getting depressed. Gotta love it when the body is deprived of warmth and sunshine! Anyone who knows me, especially her, knows that I get depressed in the winter. I struggle with almost crippling depression every single winter. And a lot of it feels like it’s out of my control. I felt like my friend didn’t truly ask me how I was doing. It almost seemed like she’d ask me how I was doing in a rhetorical way, simply as a way to have the opening to tell me about how she’s mad at her boyfriend for something. I didn’t feel like she could be bothered with me talking about how I wanted to die. I feel like her life at that moment, was all about her. Since I felt like this, I didn’t bother reaching out to her anymore. Why bother? I don’t want to bring anyone down when they don’t want to be brought down. I feel stupid for expecting it. We have barely talked. I’ve only seen her a few times in a long time.
So now, since it’s coming to that time of year, my friend is starting to get depressed. I already feel acclimated to the winter blues because I’ve had my toe dipped in basic depression for months now. I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about her. But do I really feel like reaching out to her? And explaining why I have mostly stopped talking to her? Not really. She knew I wasn’t doing well last winter, but couldn’t be bothered. So am I expected to make myself available to her now that she’s getting depressed? Deep inside, I know what the right thing is to do. Because I care. But my self-preservation instincts tell me to keep my distance because I’m hurt.
I’ve had this conversation with people. My therapist, my fiance, even her boyfriend. But I cannot yet bring myself to talk to her about it. She should know. She’s a very intuitive and smart girl. Why do I have to be the asshole that calls her out how she was a shitty friend to me last winter? And especially now, while she’s depressed? I enjoy being able to be honest with people. But I don’t like it when people can’t just own their shit. I don’t even need an apology! I just want people to own their shit. Accept responsibility for their actions/words/behaviors/whatever. These feelings go beyond the issue between my friend and I.
Last night, my fiance and I went to her and her boyfriend’s house so we could all hang out. We hung out around the fire but after a while of my fiance, her boyfriend and myself talking, she got up and went inside. Naturally we were trying to figure out exactly what her problem was. We talked about how her and her boyfriend really need to find a way to communicate better. That was the main focus of the conversation. No one said ONE bad thing about her, we all said we love her. But apparently she must’ve been listening at some point because she posted something saying “when people talk about you when you’re 20 feet away.” Again, our conversation was based on nothing but concern. Concern for her, her boyfriend, their relationship. So I’m basically sitting here like, okay, real mature to post anything on social media instead of coming to the people you have an issue with. I’m obviously not feeding into it. I definitely don’t have the energy for that. If she wants to text me or call me, I will gladly tell her everything that was said during our conversation. Because none of it was bad. But at the end of the day, it’s whatever!
I should go for now. I’m starting to get a headache. Maybe I’ll be inspired to write more later.